Take Notice

"They'll have to be careful on set-pieces, because Blackburn are an absolutely huge team" - Pat Dolan

If Pat Dolan considers you "absolutely huge", then take notice.

Since It's Pick on 'Arry Day...

This is the lookalike I've been searching for all my life, but couldn't quite put my finger on. Thank you to the Football365 podcast for enlightening me...

Talking 'Bout The Issues, But Keepin' It Funky

Having watched roughly 7 hours of football over the weekend, I feel like there's almost too much to discuss. Are Aston Villa more lucky than good? Will Chelsea's comeback really be a turning point, or was a narrow victory over Stoke further proof of inner problems? Is this the worst title race in terms of quality for quite some time? Can van Persie be considered the most valuable player in the league right now? What are Man City playing at by trying to sign Bellamy? Would Kaka moving be a good thing or a bad thing in the grand scheme of things? Does this current Barcelona squad have the potential to be the best club team ever? Does Messi have the potential to be the greatest player ever?

I may get to discussing some of these issues over the coming weeks, but there is one major talking point that demands attention above the rest. One issue that manages to rise above even the ongoing Kaka saga. And that issue is...How good a commentator is Ray Hudson?

You may never have heard of Ray Hudson before. He played most of his football in America, and spent some time coaching there too. However, what he did in the past is irrelevent. What he is doing now is all that matters, and what he's doing now is tearing me apa...

Not quite. Right now Ray Hudson works as a co-commentator on GolTV. I don't know much about GolTV, but I do know that you can pick it up on TVU quite clearly (and I assume quite illegally also) if you're interested in watching La Liga games. Trust me, it's worth it. Not just to see the wonderful Barcelona strut their stuff, but to hear the absolute gold dust that comes ouf of Hudson's mouth.

I love watching Barcelona play as much as the next guy, and I've made no secret about the fact that I think Lionel Messi is the best player in the world. But Ray Hudson takes it to a whole new level. I can't find anything recent on Youtube to prove my point, but here's a clip from a while back which does as much. Just listen to his disturbing noises as Messi dribbles towards the goal. ** shudder **

As much as he loves Messi however, it seems one Juan Roman Riquelme has gripped Hudson's heart as much as he has gripped mine. Watch these two videos for confirmation:

Riquelme Love In Pt 1

Riquelme Love In Pt 2

(Hudson actually calls him "Romy" in the second clip, which ends on the rather homoerotic note of "...he gets seduced by this..."

Finally, here's an assortment of clips -- mainly of Romy it has to be said -- which basically sum up the man, the myth, the legend that is Ray Hudson. And if you think these are isolated incidents then trust me, tune in to GolTV and you will hear otherwise. The man churns this stuff out ad nauseum, and I for one can't help but love him for it.

God bless you Ray Hudson, you commentator sent from heaven on a silver altar carried by a Jedi Knight...no wait...a Templar Knight.

Maths Can Be Fun...Kind Of

You'd think that topping the group would be the priority in the Champions League, right? Well, thanks to some less than scientific analysis, I've reasoned that it's actually in Arsenal's interest to come second (and hence United's too), which is quite possibly why Wenger has his kids playing tonight.

I've taken all of the group winners and runners up, and given them a number based on their position in their respective leagues. Of course it required some guess work as to who is going to finish where tonight, but I think my assumptions are fairly accurate. Here's how I think it will pan out (excl. Arsenal, Porto, and the teams Arsenal can't draw):

Group Winners
Roma = 13
Barcelona = 1
Panathenikos = 3
Lyon = 1
Juventus = 2

Runners-Up
Inter = 1
Sporting = 3
Athletico Madrid = 6
Villarreal = 2
Bayern Munich = 2
Real Madrid = 5

Simply put, the group of teams that has the lowest average score is the one you want to avoid, right?

Well, based on who Arsenal can meet in the next round, the group winners have a total of 20. Divide that by 5 and you get an average of 4. The runners-up have a total of 19, so divide that by 6 and you get 3.166. Therefore it's better for Arsenal to finish 2nd. It's a deeply flawed system I know, but I think it's actually pretty accurate. I mean you can pretty much tell it's right based on just looking at the two lists.

However, should Man Utd be aware of this, then it's actually in their interest to finish where Arsenal finish. Since they can't draw the Gunners in the next round regardless, they're much better off giving themselves the chance to draw Porto.

For Arsenal, they're better off finishing second no matter where Utd finish.

The argument that Roma adding 13 points to the group winners total is an aberration is fair one, but I think that's mainly balanced out by the fact that Panathenikos are a dream ticket, and Lyon play in the French League, and they've yet to cause the big boys any trouble in past tournaments.

The more I've written, the more I've become aware that this make very little sense, but the bottom line is that Arsenal, and consequently Man Utd, should finish second. And for the neutral, that would mean a 50% chance of seeing Barcelona play one of the English teams in the next round. Wouldn't that be exciting? As dull as the group stages have been at times, I think we're in for a cracking knock-out stage, and I can't wait until the draw takes place on Friday week.

Marcos Senna

My new favourite player. Why? Here's why.

Oh, and as an aside, he is one of the best, if not the best holding midfield player I've ever seen.

What It All Really Means

"The board has given him a vote of confidence." - He'll be sacked in a week or two, just so it doesn't like a complete knee-jerk reaction.

"He's a good squad player." - He's rubbish, but he can be play in a lot of positions.

"He's a good shot stopper." - He can save shots that you'd expect any goalkeeper to save, but he's crap on crosses and has no command of his area, i.e., he's a terrible goalkeeper.

"I'd be happy to stay at this club for life." - The only way I'm leaving is if someone offers me a truck load of money, so please, make a bid for me Real Madrid and I'll be out of here so fast it will make your head spin.

"It was a difficult decision for the ref to make, so I have a lot of sympathy for him. Anyway, these decisions even themselves out in the end." - We were just gifted three points because of a horrendous refereeing decision that was blatantly wrong. Cheers Mr Styles.

"The ref was awful throughout, and that decision at the end has cost us the match." - I'm aware that we just had a poor decision in our favour last week which has now been evened out, but I'm going to choose to ignore that and focus on the horrible state of refereeing, and how terrible our luck with bad decisions is.

"He's not a dirty player." - He's a filthy hacker who has been sent off more than anyone else at the club. You should see him in training. Yikes!

"He's a great man manager." - He doesn't have a clue about tactics or the subtle nuances of the game, but he gives good press conferences.

"He's a top, top player." - He's actually quite average, but he's English, so he must be one of the best around.

"We're not underestimating them." - We know they're rubbish, but it's not like I'm gonna admit that on television. I mean that would just be cruel.

"I can get even better." - I've reached the peak of my career, but I don't want anyone to know that.

"I should win World Player of the Year." - I'm a huge tool.

"He won't be able to make the international friendly midweek due to injury." - He's not in the least bit injured, but we don't want him to risk him, and to be honest, he doesn't even want to bother playing in the game anyway.

"He reads the game well." - He's as slow as Christmas.

"It's not just about me. It was a great team performance." - I was bloody good, wasn't I? And look how humble I am too.

Feel free to add your own as a comment!

Mixed Bag

Having posted about the decline of Arsenal right before they beat Man Utd in a thrilling contest I felt a bit silly. I was going to write another post saying I've got it all wrong, but I honestly didn't believe that. This weekend proved to me that the Man Utd game was not the rule but the exception to the rule - the rule being that Arsenal are indeed going backwards. Big four clashes involving Arsenal will still be pivotal with regards the title race, but they will only be pivotal for Arsenal's opponents. The Gunners will be doing well to hang on to fourth spot, but it may not be well enough to keep hold of their stars. Third wasn't last season, so there's no reason to believe fourth will be this time around.

In other news, it's good that Del Piero was given a few more lessons by Cristiano Ronaldo on how to take free kicks. The last hundred or so that crashed into the wall probably didn't do Alessandro much good (though he may well have learned that it's probably not the best idea to shoot at goal from virtually any position in your opponents half. Just at thought Cristiano). In case you didn't know, according to Sky Sports it was Ronaldo who taught Del Piero how to take a direct free kick, and I can only imagine that it won't be long before we hear that it was also Ronaldo who taught Oliver Bierhoff how to head the ball and Diego Maradona how to dribble.

While Ronaldo's free kicks were OK (although when you see the 99 that he misses you realise it's just mostly pot luck when they go in), you'll be doing well to find a better worked free kick scored over the weekend than this gem by Xavi/Messi/Everyone on the Barca team besides Valdez. Just watch it a few times and you'll see the meticulous set up no doubt conjured up by Pep. It's not rocket science of course, but it was the x factor that Barca needed in order to secure a valuable three points.

A Premier League handicap table consisting of Robbie Keane, Cristiano Ronaldo and Frank Lampard? Not sure about Keano, but the rest seems about right. Well done Paddy Power for telling it like it is.

My Winning Eleven

We all have our favourite players, and we all have our players who we think are the best. Sometimes the two overlap, sometimes they don't. What I'm going to attempt to do is to try and come up with a team that basically consists of players I like, and players that might well be the best in their respective positions. It's all subjective at the end of the day of course, so do bear that in mind as you read.

...................................................Casillas.................................................


Sagna.....................Carvalho.....................Vidic.........................Clichy


...................................................Senna...................................................

.............................Xavi..................................Iniesta..............................


.....Messi..................................................................................Kaka.......

....................................................Villa......................................................

There are players such as Rooney who I think are individually brilliant, but they just wouldn't fit into this team. There's also Alex Hleb, who's one of my favourite players, but it's just impossible to leave Kaka or Messi out. Anyone have any strong objections to this team, or perhaps a team of your own? Comment away then.

Football Weekly

For the past 7 months or so, I've been listening to a football podcast called Football Weekly, which can be found at the Guardian's website. To make this brief, it's the best thing you can listen to that's about football, at least in my opinion anyway. My weekend football experience isn't complete until I've heard the witty one-liners of James Richardson, or the cynical rants of Barry Glendenning. And then there's Sid Lowe in Spain, who writes an excellent weekly column about La Liga for the Guardian website, and keeps listeners up to date via the telephone on Football Weekly.

Overall, I can't recommend this show enough to any football fans out there. Listen to the latest podcast here, and I guarantee your enjoyment. This might just be the best one I've heard so far, so they're not all up to this standard. But if you're looking for a place where wit meets intelligent football conversation, look no further than Football Weekly. Trust me. Click on the link a couple of sentences up and prepare for your football experience to be enhanced significantly.

Real Men Cry

I just came across the following quote from Man City's new bargain buy Robinho. To give it some backstory, earlier in the week Madrid's astoundingly retarded President Ramon Calderon* came out saying that Robinho cried when he asked for a move to Chelsea. That sounds kind of ridiculous, doesn't it? Crying over a transfer? Well obviously this was quite the claim to make on Calderon's part. I mean if something like this was said about me and it was completely untrue, then whoever said it would be staring at the business end of a hissy fit, that's for sure.

So naturally enough Robinho really had come out strong and rubbish these claims. Pele has even made it known that he thinks Robinho is emotionally unstable, so Robinho really had little option but to set the record straight, and be the umpteenth person to prove Pele wrong. Here's an excerpt from his interview where he attempted to do so:

"I cried when he didn't let me play at the Olympics and you can check that by asking him. I didn't cry to quit."

Oh dear, Rob. I actually think crying over the Olympics is worse than crying over a move out of Madrid. It almost brings to mind a 15 year old girl who is told she can't go to the youth disco, so she goes up to her room and sobs for hours on end. If I were Robinho, I'd have just stuck with Calderon's story instead of coming out with the truth. I just love the way he says "and you can check that by asking him" so defiantly, as if what he's just told us clears his good name. Too funny.

The lesson here is that if you, like Pele, make an obscene amount of statements and predictions, then by the law of averages at least one of them will be right. In this case, Pele has it spot on - Robinho really is a nut case. My advice to Mark Hughes - always let Robinho go to the youth disco, but make sure you give him strict rules to follow, because after all, that's what children want - bounderies.


* I put a star beside Calderon's name because I just figured out how this whole Ronaldo saga is going to be solved next summer. Since Ferguson and Calderon are basically fighting over who loves Ronaldo more, I reckon they're both going to stand in a room with Ronaldo and do the following: Ferguson will call Ronaldo, Calderon will call Ronaldo, and then they'll see who he goes to. Given the way Ferguson and Calderon have behaved up to now, I can actually imagine this scene in my head, and let me tell you, it's as disturbing as it reads.

Unrivalled

In reading an article on Barry Davis, I came across the following video. I've seen many a penalty shoot-out in my time, but none compare to this, both in terms of quality and sheer tension. Take a look, and enjoy reliving a truly memorable sporting occasion.

Unrivalled