I must confess, I've never read any footballer's autobiography, and it's doubtful I ever will. Maybe if Zidane releases one, or even Dirk Kuyt (wouldn't you like to know how exactly this man got to become someone who's payed thousands of pounds a week to play football?) then I might consider it, but right now the desire to pick up one of the several millions of them polluting bookstores nationwide is just not there yet, and I kind of hope it never is.
I bring this up because during my brief visit to Eason, I noticed that Jamie Carragher has jumped on the bandwagon and released an autobiography. Of course Carragher is as entitled to release such a book as any of the others are, but it's the names of these books that I just can't get over.
In this instance, Jamie Carragher's autobiography is called "Carra: My Autobiography". Not only is this title void of any imagination, but its entirely redundant too.
Random guy - "So let me get this straight Jamie - this is your autobiography, not someone else's, right?"
Jamie Carragher (or "Carra" if you'd like) - "Yep, its mine. Didn't you read the title of it?"
I just think that when people hear that a footballer -- any footballer -- has written a book, they automatically think that it must be dumb, and with good reason. But when a footballer calls his book "My autobiography", he's really putting the final nail in the coffin.
To flesh out the title of Jamie's book, you could actually objectively call it "Jamie Carragher: The biography on Jamie Carragher's life that Jamie Carragher wrote himself, that also belongs to Jamie Carragher". I'm being ridiculous I know, but stupid things like this really annoy me.
Steven Gerrard released an autobiography also entitled "My Autobiography", which is perhaps good reason to think it's a Liverpool thing as opposed to a footballer thing.
Then there's the matter of Wayne Rooney, and his 5-book deal. That's right. Wayne Rooney has a deal that obliges him to write not one, but five books over the coming years, presumably about himself (somehow I can't see Rooney writing an intricate novel or discussing the finer points of the platonic influence in modern society, but I could be wrong).
This begs a number of important questions: Can Wayne Rooney write? And if so, does Wayne Rooney have enough interesting things to write about to fill one book, not to mention five?
Well I know he has already released at least one of these books, so I can only assume the answer to the first question is yes. However, I very much doubt the second question would produce a similar answer. I mean can you imagine the depth of misery someone must find themselves in to have read all five of Rooney's books when they're released? Think of all the great literature they will have avoided in favour of reading "Wayne Rooney: My Autobiography That I wrote Myself about Me - Volume 5". It's disgusting really.
Speaking of depths of misery, Michael Owen has an autobiography out aswell, and since he at one point played for Liverpool, it of course has "My Autobiograpy" in its title. However, it also has the intriguing phrase "Off The Record" thrown in there too, so that somebody who doesn't know that Michael Owen is the most boring man alive can pick it up and think "Hmmm...this might be interesting". Well, I've never read it, but let me tell you without a second thought that it isn't, nor will anything Michael Owen says or does ever be.
You see Michael Owen is uninteresting personified, and that's just the way it is, ergo no need to go writing a whole book about yourself there Micky. I remember seeing a small portion of a documentary about him in which a camera crew followed him around, and I swear I was this close to hurting myself, just so I could take my attention away from the TV screen.
There are countless other footballers looking to make even more money than they already do who have released books. Ashley Cole released quite the controversial one when he penned "My Defence", which as far as footballers book titles go, is actually quite good ("Totally Frank" wins for sheer comedic value though). I remember reading a quote from Cole's book, where he called a former Arsenal teammate an "unproven featherweight". He said this in reference to one Cesc Fabregas, and boy is Ashley Cole eating his words now (and fingers crossed, choking on them). I have no doubt Cesc had this quote in mind when he lunged into Cashley in last seasons Premier League game at the Emirates, but even if he didn't, a good old fashioned dig into Ashley Cole's legs is welcome by anyone at any time, just for the record.
I suppose the most harrowing thing about all these autobiographies is the fact that there is obviously a market out there for them. People -- real, literate people -- actually buy these books and then read them. Now I'm sure a couple of these books are quite good. Some footballers have good stories to tell, and may tell them in an interesting way to boot. But does anyone really care about someone who hasn't at one point been an alcoholic with a penchant for high stakes gambling, or a footballer acting as a double agent who sold secrets to the communists in exchange for Russian prostitutes to help stock up his elicit call-girl business? Doubtful.
I think Joey Barton -- yes, Joey Barton -- said it best when he commented on the plethora of books emenating from the English camp after World Cup '06:
"We got beat in the quarter-finals, I played like s***, here's my book."
I think the only thing we can hope for is that people like Jack Wilshere, or even Jaap Stam don't start wri...(receives a quiet word in his ear that Jaap Stam has in fact already written a book called "Head-to-Head", which has sold quite well).
OK we're screwed.
I bring this up because during my brief visit to Eason, I noticed that Jamie Carragher has jumped on the bandwagon and released an autobiography. Of course Carragher is as entitled to release such a book as any of the others are, but it's the names of these books that I just can't get over.
In this instance, Jamie Carragher's autobiography is called "Carra: My Autobiography". Not only is this title void of any imagination, but its entirely redundant too.
Random guy - "So let me get this straight Jamie - this is your autobiography, not someone else's, right?"
Jamie Carragher (or "Carra" if you'd like) - "Yep, its mine. Didn't you read the title of it?"
I just think that when people hear that a footballer -- any footballer -- has written a book, they automatically think that it must be dumb, and with good reason. But when a footballer calls his book "My autobiography", he's really putting the final nail in the coffin.
To flesh out the title of Jamie's book, you could actually objectively call it "Jamie Carragher: The biography on Jamie Carragher's life that Jamie Carragher wrote himself, that also belongs to Jamie Carragher". I'm being ridiculous I know, but stupid things like this really annoy me.
Steven Gerrard released an autobiography also entitled "My Autobiography", which is perhaps good reason to think it's a Liverpool thing as opposed to a footballer thing.
Then there's the matter of Wayne Rooney, and his 5-book deal. That's right. Wayne Rooney has a deal that obliges him to write not one, but five books over the coming years, presumably about himself (somehow I can't see Rooney writing an intricate novel or discussing the finer points of the platonic influence in modern society, but I could be wrong).
This begs a number of important questions: Can Wayne Rooney write? And if so, does Wayne Rooney have enough interesting things to write about to fill one book, not to mention five?
Well I know he has already released at least one of these books, so I can only assume the answer to the first question is yes. However, I very much doubt the second question would produce a similar answer. I mean can you imagine the depth of misery someone must find themselves in to have read all five of Rooney's books when they're released? Think of all the great literature they will have avoided in favour of reading "Wayne Rooney: My Autobiography That I wrote Myself about Me - Volume 5". It's disgusting really.
Speaking of depths of misery, Michael Owen has an autobiography out aswell, and since he at one point played for Liverpool, it of course has "My Autobiograpy" in its title. However, it also has the intriguing phrase "Off The Record" thrown in there too, so that somebody who doesn't know that Michael Owen is the most boring man alive can pick it up and think "Hmmm...this might be interesting". Well, I've never read it, but let me tell you without a second thought that it isn't, nor will anything Michael Owen says or does ever be.
You see Michael Owen is uninteresting personified, and that's just the way it is, ergo no need to go writing a whole book about yourself there Micky. I remember seeing a small portion of a documentary about him in which a camera crew followed him around, and I swear I was this close to hurting myself, just so I could take my attention away from the TV screen.
There are countless other footballers looking to make even more money than they already do who have released books. Ashley Cole released quite the controversial one when he penned "My Defence", which as far as footballers book titles go, is actually quite good ("Totally Frank" wins for sheer comedic value though). I remember reading a quote from Cole's book, where he called a former Arsenal teammate an "unproven featherweight". He said this in reference to one Cesc Fabregas, and boy is Ashley Cole eating his words now (and fingers crossed, choking on them). I have no doubt Cesc had this quote in mind when he lunged into Cashley in last seasons Premier League game at the Emirates, but even if he didn't, a good old fashioned dig into Ashley Cole's legs is welcome by anyone at any time, just for the record.
I suppose the most harrowing thing about all these autobiographies is the fact that there is obviously a market out there for them. People -- real, literate people -- actually buy these books and then read them. Now I'm sure a couple of these books are quite good. Some footballers have good stories to tell, and may tell them in an interesting way to boot. But does anyone really care about someone who hasn't at one point been an alcoholic with a penchant for high stakes gambling, or a footballer acting as a double agent who sold secrets to the communists in exchange for Russian prostitutes to help stock up his elicit call-girl business? Doubtful.
I think Joey Barton -- yes, Joey Barton -- said it best when he commented on the plethora of books emenating from the English camp after World Cup '06:
"We got beat in the quarter-finals, I played like s***, here's my book."
I think the only thing we can hope for is that people like Jack Wilshere, or even Jaap Stam don't start wri...(receives a quiet word in his ear that Jaap Stam has in fact already written a book called "Head-to-Head", which has sold quite well).
OK we're screwed.
